I Can Relate Process

I Can Relate is a 4-step process that helps adults and children enhance their emotional and relational well-being by increasing their ability to understand, to respect, and to empathize with others and themselves.

The four steps in the I Can Relate Process™ are:

Step 1: Describing our situations and stories objectively without judgment, evaluation, or blame. The first step is to clearly identify the situations that are most energy-charged (alive in us). Observing and describing these situations without evaluation marks the beginning of improving our resilience and our relationships. The goal is to state “just the facts” in five sentences or less. In other words, leave the opinions out. In order to clearly observe and then describe energy-charged situations it is important to be present in the moment and state observations that are specific to time and context. We begin by asking:  Who is involved? Where/when did it happen? What is going on?

Step 2: Sorting, naming, and expressing our feelings. Feelings are the intervening emotions we experience in the moment that we can categorize and name.  Feelings give us information about ourselves, our relationships, our experiences, and our situations that are not available from logic or thinking alone. Feelings are basic to all humans and they are an instantaneous assessment of whether a situation is good for us or not. Our emotional health improves when we are able to sort, clarify, and express a variety of feelings and subtle nuances of related feelings. As we express our feelings and listen deeply to the feelings of the others involved, we connect emotionally with one another. A natural outcome of using the steps and playing the I Can Relate game is becoming more self-aware and willing to accept responsibility for our feelings.

Step 4: Responding with empathy. Empathy is deep, careful, and authentic listening for another’s feelings and needs/values. One way to respond to situations is by learning to give and receive empathy. Developing a skill called, “empathy guessing” helps build strong relationships. When we identify needs, we can use strategies to respectfully and clearly ask for what we need. This often involves small steps such as asking for time before responding. This technique promotes responding with intention rather than reacting on autopilot.  Often, just being aware of our needs and values that we are experiencing in the moment gives us a sense of hope because we have a clearer picture of what is important to us. Once we have worked through the first three steps, it will be much easier to respond with empathy toward ourselves and others. In fact, it will seem natural to respond rather than react.

Step 3: Sorting, naming, and connecting our needs and values. We all have basic needs that are essential to our survival and our sense of well-being. Values extend to our belief systems and tell us what matters most to us. Both add meaning and structure to our lives. Noticing and valuing our needs which are often embedded in our feelings is the most important step of the process. Underneath our feelings are needs that point to what we deeply value and what matters most in our relationships and our emotional health. Identifying needs give us information and provides direction for making decisions, defining goals or strategies, and taking action. Once we identify the needs of those involved in a situation, we are often able to respond in a new way that honors the needs and values of everyone. Anxiety and anger are the most common inhibitors to well-being and often get in the way of identifying our needs and values. Naming the needs/values that have been triggered by anger or anxiety, help us move forward rather than becoming stuck in the anger or anxiety.

When the I Can Relate Process can be particularly helpful:

The research behind the I Can Relate Process:

The empirical research that led to the development of the I Can Relate Process focused on the social sciences and compassionate theology in exploring how to increase well-being in relationships and learning how to manage the effects of anxiety on well-being.

You can read more about the research behind the process by clicking a link below…