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I recently learned the key to love and acceptance – and it is the acronym, Listen Openly Validate Everything. The question is, what in the heck is validation and how does it work?

Validation means accepting and acknowledging someone’s feelings, thoughts, experiences, and perspectives. What validation doesn’t necessarily mean is that you agree with the other person. Wow! That may sound hard, yet it is one very-effective way to improve relationships and it isn’t that difficult to do.

1. Listen closely and slow down:  Give the other person your full attention when they are speaking and try to make eye contact. Even if your mind starts to wander (and that is common) by thinking of what you will say, gently set your thoughts aside and prod your mind back to focusing on the other person.
2. Validate the other person’s emotions: Some common painful feelings can include being hurt, discouraged, worried, frustrated, afraid, angry, disgusted, or surprised. “I can imagine how that hurt you,” is one example of validating.
3. Acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and perspective: When someone shares their thoughts or feelings about a specific situation, acknowledge their perspective. You can say something like, “I understand why that could be difficult for you.”
4. Stay away from evaluating: Validation means accepting the other person’s experiences without judgment, blame, or criticism.
5. Show Empathy:  This means accepting the other by acknowledging their thoughts and sharing their feelings. You might say, “I’m sorry you are hurting and I can understand how that could be painful.”
6. If you talk about yourself, use “I” statements. If you don’t share their perspective, you could say, “While I see things differently, I can understand where you are coming from.”
7. Get clear about your own feelings, needs, values, and thoughts. This will help you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

The other day as I was walking down the driveway to retrieve our BIG blue recycling container, I saw a neighbor who loves to talk. I thought to myself, I really don’t have time to talk today. I have so many “important things” to do such as, “rush home to wash my socks.” Right! Wrong, I reminded myself I was not too busy. Instead, I trudged through the snow and to the end of his driveway. I noticed some redness on his forehead, a gash by his eye, and his limp as he haltingly moved toward me. I quickly heard about his recent fall that led to a visit to the nearest emergency room. I listened while he shared his story and I responded by saying, “I’m so sorry to hear about your accident. I can tell you are hurting by how you’re limping today.” Then our conversation turned to politics. While I didn’t share his views, I was able to respond with, “I can appreciate your perspective. Thanks for helping me understand a different viewpoint.”

While I am not sure who to credit for this LOVE acronym, I heard it is a commonly-used Al-Anon saying that works!

If we are clear about what we feel – and what we need in relationships, our relationships tend to be better. At a basic level, having healthy relationships means the presence of positive emotions and the absence of negative emotions as we spend time with others. Therefore, creating positive emotions within relationships is a key factor. Healthy relationships and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being go hand-in-hand. Healthy relationships fuel the presence of positive emotions and decrease the likelihood of negative emotions thus promoting well-being in heart, body, mind, and soul. Yet, many of us do not take the time to work on making our relationships better.

The “I Can Relate” definition used for well-being focuses on building and maintaining healthier, deeper, and more satisfying relationships. Four steps that are easy to learn include: 1) Observing situations without evaluation 2) Naming and expressing our feelings 3) Valuing our needs; and then 4) Responding with empathy. These steps, along with tips related to increasing self-awareness, understanding anxiety and developing empathy are concepts that can be learned and skills that can be developed. Using the method within a workshop gets participants to practice the relationships skills of observing situations, naming feelings, identifying needs, and empathizing — without even being aware of the learning process!

Have you wondered how to have more meaningful relationships? We often talk about the importance of communication and sharing our feelings in our closest relationships. Yet, many of us are not equipped to say more about our feelings than, “I feel fine.” As we learn to name more feelings, our relationships grow. I feel “fine” might become I feel, “encouraged, hopeful, moved, thankful, friendly, content, discouraged, hurt” or a variety of other feelings. This tells those who are closest to us more about who we are. Sharing deeper feelings lets people in – and builds understanding between two people. For example, being able to expand “I feel fine” to “I feel discouraged” lets the other person know more about what we need. The other person can then guess that we need encouragement. Or, “I feel fine” becomes “I feel inspired.” This moves the conversation to a different level – and we start to share what’s really going on in our lives at a deeper level. Developing our vocabulary of words that describe our feelings is one easy skill for building relationships and getting to know ourselves better.

Many of us have been taught not to pay attention to our needs because we were told that means we are needy. However, learning to sort and clarify what we need actually helps us – and those who are closest to us. We have not been taught to value our needs—or to understand that valuing our needs and striving to meet our needs deeply enhances our lives and our well-being.

Most of us are familiar with the importance of feelings. Underneath our feelings are needs that tell us and others what matters most to us in life. Identifying our needs gives direction to our health and happiness. For example, if we have just finished a long 50-hour work week, we may need “fun” or “enjoyment.” Or, maybe we have had a day full of challenges and we just need “relaxation” or “empathy.” Some of the needs that often go unnoticed – and that are basic to our sense of well-being include, “belonging, acceptance, encouragement, connection, to matter, purpose, meaning, support, enjoyment, respect, and understanding” to name a few. Just being aware of our needs that we are experiencing in the moment gives us a sense of hope and encouragement because we have a clearer picture of what is important to us. Developing our vocabulary of words that describe our needs is one easy skill for building relationships and for getting to know ourselves and others better.