I recently learned the key to love and acceptance – and it is the acronym, Listen Openly Validate Everything. The question is, what in the heck is validation and how does it work?
Validation means accepting and acknowledging someone’s feelings, thoughts, experiences, and perspectives. What validation doesn’t necessarily mean is that you agree with the other person. Wow! That may sound hard, yet it is one very-effective way to improve relationships and it isn’t that difficult to do.
- Listen closely and slow down: Give the other person your full attention when they are speaking and try to make eye contact. Even if your mind starts to wander (and that is common) by thinking of what you will say, gently set your thoughts aside and prod your mind back to focusing on the other person.
- Validate the other person’s emotions: Some common painful feelings can include being hurt, discouraged, worried, frustrated, afraid, angry, disgusted, or surprised. “I can imagine how that hurt you,” is one example of validating.
- Acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and perspective: When someone shares their thoughts or feelings about a specific situation, acknowledge their perspective. You can say something like, “I understand why that could be difficult for you.”
- Stay away from evaluating: Validation means accepting the other person’s experiences without judgment, blame, or criticism.
- Show Empathy: This means accepting the other by acknowledging their thoughts and sharing their feelings. You might say, “I’m sorry you are hurting and I can understand how that could be painful.”
- If you talk about yourself, use “I” statements. If you don’t share their perspective, you could say, “While I see things differently, I can understand where you are coming from.”
- Get clear about your own feelings, needs, values, and thoughts. This will help you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
The other day as I was walking down the driveway to retrieve our BIG blue recycling container, I saw a neighbor who loves to talk. I thought to myself, I really don’t have time to talk today. I have so many “important things” to do such as, “rush home to wash my socks.” Right! Wrong, I reminded myself I was not too busy. Instead, I trudged through the snow and to the end of his driveway. I noticed some redness on his forehead, a gash by his eye, and his limp as he haltingly moved toward me. I quickly heard about his recent fall that led to a visit to the nearest emergency room. I listened while he shared his story and I responded by saying, “I’m so sorry to hear about your accident. I can tell you are hurting by how you’re limping today.” Then our conversation turned to politics. While I didn’t share his views, I was able to respond with, “I can appreciate your perspective. Thanks for helping me understand a different viewpoint.”
While I am not sure who to credit for this LOVE acronym, I heard it is a commonly-used Al-Anon saying that works!